unexpected joy

not sure how to begin, i want to blog this for my memory of what i was feeling and how i can share it one day with Ty.

Ty Thomas.

yup, we are having another boy!

i couldn't be more excited, i love my daughter, i'm crazy for her, but i can only handle one of her ;) my plan was to not find out, i had the will power plus i guess i was so convinced that it was another boy that i didn't need to be told. 

our ultrasound was a little over a month ago. i went in with my mom and kids. i know as an OB nurse that this ultrasound is way more than discovering the sex of the baby. i was praying for the best, that the babies anatomy would be perfect, no signs of trisomy, strong beating heart, functioning kidneys, and most of all that he would be healthy and beautiful.

i'm not sure what triggered me to ask the ultrasound tech the question i did but it sure was ironic, mothers instinct i guess. i asked if we could be able to tell if the baby was going to have a cleft. not even 30 minutes into the ultrasound she went to get my OB. I knew he was not cooperating with the ultrasound and she wasn't getting all the measurements she needed, but i thought nothing else. 

i need to interject that i am so blessed to work so closely to my OB and to have a more personal relationship with her that what i could have. god was in charge when he mapped out my life. he knew i would need her.

she came in and told me that our little one had a bilateral cleft in his lip.

okay, i can handle it. i asked, okay well he is healthy right, i don't need to worry about a cleft they're far more pressing issues than a simple surgery to repair a cleft.

she said no it only looks like a cleft other than that the baby looked healthy. well since i needed something to visualize and cling onto since i wasn't crying, wasn't mad and honestly at that very moment wasn't scared. i asked to find out the sex. it's another boy...see i knew it all along!

she gave me a referral to a perinatologist (who i have worked with in the past.....again another huge blessing!) just to continue to monitor baby and have a more thorough ultrasound.

i did start to cry a little in the car but went to my husbands work and told him. he was okay we didn't cry and we weren't angry. to be honest i think it took several hours for all of the emotions to kick in and they are still changing constantly.

i headed to the mall after the appointment and shopped....and shopped. it didn't solve anything but it felt good for a few hours. my husband and i made the mistake of looking up pictures on the internet and possible causes. i began to blame myself. for medication i took and the sin in my life. it became extremely overwhelming. finally our pastor came over to our house. he prayed with us and reassured us. i kept thinking this was gods way of getting our attention but pastor ken set me straight! i have been clinging to this passage since we found out.

john 9 1-7

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”
After saying this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man’s eyes. “Go,” he told him, “wash in the Pool of Siloam” (this word means “Sent”). So the man went and washed, and came home seeing.

our appointment with our perinatologist was scheduled a week later. i was seeing one of my favorite doctors. he has literally saved lives of moms and babies and i had the privilege to work along with him. and now i was going to see him, what a comfort! the ultrasound took almost two hours to complete...apparently he is stubborn.....no surprise here! he confirmed that it for sure was a cleft in the lip (both sides) and also a full cleft palate. he said the findings were positive though in the way of the development of the cleft that it showed no signs of a genetic condition or even worse a terminal condition.

praise the lord!

we have a healthy baby boy. i am so very blessed to live in a country where, through christ, the hands of a surgeon will heal my child. i know that christ is in control and i need to cast all my fears on him. i am trying everyday but my fear does still set in.  

i fear trey and aubrey knowing he looks different.
i fear his surgeries.
i fear my insurance will not fully cover all the surgeries.
i fear he will have a speech impairment.
i fear the severity of the scars
i fear nursing him.

 this is where i am now. i have fear but i am, everyday, casting it onto christ. my son is beautiful, created in gods own image. he was thought up before the world its self began. god is knitting him in my womb exactly the way he created ty to be. 

this is my beautiful baby boy ty thomas

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