one year

what a day.

i didn't know how i was going to feel one year after my dads passing.

i actually woke up this morning and cleaned the house like a mad women. i tried not to think about it...because frankly i would cry and i just don't have the time or energy to cry, at least i didn't want to use what energy i had left on crying.

it wasn't until we all meet for dinner that i finally let the emotion rise. seeing my mom sister and brother and my dad was rough. he wasn't there to laugh at the jokes, meet baby ty, or to style or fix his hair before any pictures were taken (you only get this if you were close enough to my dad. he was vain about his hair...and rightfully so, at 67 and having the head of hair he was ironic he got cancer and had to loose it all!).

my sister asked us if any of us really remembered the past year. we all pretty much agreed that it was blur. i don't remember the holidays, as a matter of fact i read through my blog just to see what we had done this past year (apparently we went to san forgot!).

one year!

it feels like it was still yesterday that we were all struggling with this...yet it already feels like an eternity. how can one minute you feel like they have been gone for forever yet you still loose your breath when you think of them (on a daily basis) and realize that wow...where is the time flying too?

i still feel resentment towards people for not showing compassion for my mom and i still feel bitterness towards people who have their dads still. does this go away? I realize that i need to let these feelings go, they only hinder me...but at the same time....i hold onto to them because they make me feel like he is worth fighting for still.

in all honesty i didn't want to blog my feelings today. i didn't want to cry, offend anyone, or to have to think about what i was going to say.

the words just sorta typed themselves out though and i am sure i will be grateful that i have this entry to reflect on next year.

the one thing i am grateful for is the opportunity to say goodbye. the more people i meet and the tragedy in their lives i do realize that i was blessed to have a father raise us and to be able to say goodby and as my sister said on FB 

"But the most precious thing to me was you being there for my first breath,
and me being there for your last" -Britteny Thomas

thank you God for that. 


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